he_shall_be_peace's Xanga

A Glimmer of Hope

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 22:14:45 GMT

good news has arrived! i found a second job! the likelihood of me paying my rent has gone up significantly. so in a week or so, life will balance between a food service job (but a good and fun one), retail, practicing, rehearsals soon...spending half the week looking like crap in a hot kitchen environment to dressing like i'm wealthier than i am and sucking up to people who are actually wealthier than i am. it's going to be great!

in other news, yet another john mayer concert is coming my way in july, and i'm super-stoked about both the concert and the company. it's fun to make new friends now and again!

oh, and look at me blogging two days in a row. maybe the sometimes boring real world will aid my blog time. hehe

Huh

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 04:35:44 GMT

so i just found out that another one of my high school friends is engaged. and once again, i'll have absolutely nothing to do with the wedding. it feels very strange for that to be true of people who 4 years ago were with me almost daily. things change so rapidly at this stage of our lives. and while my relationships with people i was once so close to become more and more distant, i find it hard to feel motivated for the here and now. i should be excited to start my life, but instead am so frightened i can hardly think of anything else. i know what my ultimate goals are...it's the getting there that's the problem. so as almost everyone i know moves on to the next stage of their lives, i remain here, stagnant, seemingly without purpose. let's hope the Lord shines a light on my life soon.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Sun, 04 May 2008 14:46:59 GMT

today, i am graduating with an bachelors of music degree in vocal performance from a four-year liberal arts institution. wow.

i know i don't blog often, but i felt like i couldn't let this day get away without saying something before it starts. i have been dreading and waiting for this day for four years. i can't wait to say that i've earned my degree, but i also don't want to say it's over. the last four years here have changed my life in every way possible. my relationships have changed drastically, and so have i. did i get everything out of this experience i wanted? no. did i enjoy every minute of it and look back on nothing with regret? without question. the good lord works in mysterious ways, as the song goes. it's definitely been true of all our lives. not everything has been good, but so much has. me staying here for the next year has made it hard to come to terms with the fact that most of the friends in my class aren't. they're moving back to the city to work, or leaving to state for grad schools. and i'm here, albeit with a few friends, and all the people left at school that i love. but everything is going to change come june, and i'm sure when august rolls around i'm going to wish i was getting ready for school again. but, one step at a time. for now, i cannot wait for two hours from now, when i am sitting among so many people i care about, taking that next step in our lives, truly just beginning them. that's what this day is. not an ending...a beginning.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 03:26:53 GMT

the break-down point is coming soon, i can feel it in my jaw.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 20:12:39 GMT

i can't wait to be done writing papers...why am i in 2 classes this semester that require me to do so? ok whatever, i'm a senior in upper division classes. poor excuse. really me writing papers is just a waste of hours of my life, and also of the professor's time because i will rarely write something worth reading. everyone would benefit if we could just have a nice discussion about the topic and call it a day. if you can't tell, i'm trying to write a paper. i've spent the last 2 and a half hours trying to start it, and have nothing but a thesis, 3 sentences of an intro, and a couple of bullet points about the body. it just isn't looking good. 4 more papers until graduation...

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 20:47:26 GMT

back from choir tour and in my parents basement writing this post. i should be happy that i get 3 whole days off for spring break this year...but all i can think is "i can't believe i have to go back to campus tomorrow and school on monday!" really, the next 5 weeks are going to be brutal. there's a lot of work to get in in that time, both for my job, my fraternity, the opera, and especially school. i'm just hoping that through all of that i can still find time to enjoy my last five weeks of college...insane. but let's not talk about that now. choir tour...

had its problems as always. the people that make up this ensemble are all very different, and none of us are perfect. we all say and/or do things we shouldn't (some more than others). we all hurt one another's feelings sometimes. we all do things Dr. Ferguson wouldn't approve of, some things that we could get in serious trouble for if we were caught. it happens every year that i spend too much time being disappointed in my fellow choir members. every year i get a little better at letting things go, because there is certainly no way for me to control the behavior of my peers who don't always respect our director...so why should they respect me? of course i wish they would do less of the crazy and sometimes illegal things they do, but all i can do is know that they are wrong and try to be better myself. the music part of the tour...

was great! yes, it was a bummer that we spent spring break in cold climates, many of which had snow. but the tour itself, the amazing music we were singing, went sooo well, and that's all that matters. did we make mistakes? of course. but we got 4 standing ovations the night of our first concert, and parts of every concert after that only got better. the crowds could have been bigger, the acoustics could have been better, but we made music together and shared it with whoever would listen, and that's the most important thing i could have done this spring break. i'm sad i didn't have a week off to sleep and catch up on life, but all i have to do is remember all the amazing compliments we received, the awe of so many crowds after the tormis, and the release of sighs after the poulenc, and it all just melts away. the senior speeches were phenomenal this year, from people who were only in co-choir this year to 4-year veterans, everyone had something wonderful and insightful to say, and there was absolutely no negativity. i'm so proud of my class for that. i cried during most of them, and sometimes singing was hard. the home tour concert tuesday will be really difficult, but i'm looking forward to it more than anything else for the rest of the semester. i will take as many pictures as possible, i will sing my heart out, and we will share music with everyone in that church. and there's always spain.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 16:27:41 GMT

Time for something a little new and a little different in this blog...a completely uplifting post! i know, shocking isn't it? here we go!

my recital was yesterday. and oh man, it was the best day of my life. i'm not sure anything will top this feeling until i get married, it was that good. the excitement started on friday, when i was doing the trial run on my hair. I get a phone call from my oldest brother, wishing me luck and saying he's sorry he couldn't be here. then he asked if i was mad he wasn't coming, and i said no, just a little disappointed...then he asked, "so, are we going to see you before the recital?" after a couple "huh?"s i found out he was in chicago and coming to my recital the following day! i felt so amazing after that, to know that he had cared enough to take a weekend and come made me sooo happy when i really didn't expect it. i then called my mom, thrilled to talk to her about it, and she said it was so hard to keep the secret. she's a tricky one. then around 10, when i had already told like everyone i saw that my brother was coming, i get a phone call from my OTHER brother, wishing me luck as well from he and his wife. and then he proceeds to ask "Amanda wants to know what kind of pizza we're having"...and then i started screaming in disbelief. so my brothers and sister-in-law were all there, and i couldn't believe any of it. i had the dumbest grin on my face until i went to bed that night (and probably after).

and then there was yesterday. I woke up at 7am and was at meijer by 8. then i wandered around picking out flowers, plants and chocolatey gifts for people involved in the recital process (along with some choice alcoholic beverages for later). i was at the SAI house by 9, and started my hair shortly after. at one point, one girl was doing my hair, another my makeup, and another was pressing my dress (which i had forgotten about and didn't have time to do)...i felt like an undeserving princess. then i went and grabbed a quick (and well-thought out) lunch at noodles and company...not too much, enough to keep me full, and no dairy or spicy-ness. then it was time for the warm-up! went pretty well, and i felt pretty good about my voice for the day. taking friday off of singing definitely helped i think. then i did another form of warming up...i watched someone else do a recital! in a way it was stressful because my recital was coming up soon after, but it really got me excited and ready to be on stage doing what he was doing. after the recital, i warmed up in the hall with my instrumentalists and accompanist, presented a piece to the composer who wrote it (his first time hearing it) and then went to change!

once the recital started, it just went. i was terribly nervous when i first went out, and my hands (which for the first aria were holding a binder with my oratoria aria in it) may have been shaking violently, i guess i'll find out on the DVD. but it went...well. everything just flowed after that. i would have brief moments of panic before i went out, but then i would step onto that stage with every ounce of confidence i could find and just did it. and for one of the only times ever, i felt amazing about my performance. something about that hour was magical. i think you can only understand it if you've experienced it. i feel egotistical for speaking of it, but i really feel like any mistake i made just didn't matter yesterday, because overall i think i gave a kick-ass performance. and again, for once, i think i really deserved that performance. i've been preparing this for so long, and the last two weeks have been SO COMPLETELY devoted to this recital. my diction was good because i worked hard. my emotion was good because i studied and listened to the pieces constantly. my dress was pretty because, well, i have good taste in dresses. the encore went off so well, i never could have dreamed of doing it that well after it had been going all week. all of that is why i probably looked like a crazy person when i came out for my final bow with my arms folded up to my heart, thanking people who couldn't hear me.

and after all of that, i got to hug just about every person i care for in this world. some were missing (and you were missed), but it just meant so much to me to have all those people there. i felt completely respected as an artist yesterday, for the first time in a long time, possibly ever. i enjoyed a reception, went and changed, put some flowers in water, and then went to my reception dinner my parents put together for me. it was so wonderful, eating dinner with people i never get to see (namely my brothers, sister-in-law, and acorn) and then mingling like the big girl i am with family and friends. it was such a good time. talking about my music with my brothers may have been the best part of the night. to know that they now understand what i've been doing for the past 4 years, that they can now truly respect what i do, and even become curious about it, is wonderful. after taking to immediate family back to the house for a tour, amy and i sat around talking for a while, and then so other fun people came over and we had a pretty good time. rather laid-back, a few drinks, and lots of laughs later, everyone left and amy and i stayed up until 4 in the morning (new time) talking about whatever.

really, thank you to EVERYONE who made yesterday the best day of my life. so many people contributed in so many ways, and i honestly couldn't have asked for a better day. it's so sad for the bliss of that day to be over, but i've made a small omage to the recital on the wall by my desk (aka recital posters and cards). what a heavenly day.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 04:58:27 GMT

Lord, please don't let this recital blow up in my face. There are too many people coming expecting a good performance. I don't want to let them or myself down. I want to share my love with the world, and I don't want to stress anymore. Give me strength to balance everything this week, and get through (and over) the problems that have arisen. Let my memory be secure and my passion evident. Let this be a recital I won't forget.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 03:03:28 GMT

good thing: i got to go to the lyric opera today and see an AMAZING production that definitely goes on the top 5 list. Eugene Onegin was beautiful in every way. the music, the singers, the set, everything. i can't describe the way i felt during the first act letter aria. Dina Kuznetsova was the highlight of the show for me. Her performance was real and amazingly powerful without being pushed or overdone. i can't wait to see her in something else. the day was worth it to see this show.

bad thing: I've been getting upset a lot lately. about all types of things, but right now about boys again. and i don't want to be upset about that. i HATE being upset about that. but the person i want to be with (and think is actually nearly perfect for me) has no interest whatsoever. he barely cares to know me, let alone get to know me better, let alone date me. it's one thing to have a crush on someone you know you'd never really be with for long if at all. but to be around someone so often that could be so right for me is SO HARD. i love being around him, but hate the let-down when i leave feeling worse than when i came. and maybe i'm wrong about how right i think he is for me, but i'm just SO ready for that person, to love me and to help guide me to where i'm meant to be. because right now it's all so unclear.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 05:16:40 GMT

so i realize it's been a while. and i wish i could say that i'm totally going to get better at this blogging regularly thing. but the truth is, i'm inconsistent and often just not in the mood. i'm not even sure why i'm writing now. i guess i feel an update is necessary. my life is good. not great, but good. and i know i really have no right to complain about almost any bad thing that happens to me because it could ALWAYS be worse. but here's what's going on:

i applied to 6 graduate programs at 6 pretty decent schools. after the application process i was denied an audition at my first choice school in january. i set up auditions at my other 5 schools. i went to my first audition, and 2 weeks later found out i wasn't accepted. then i went to 2 more. after that i got sick (for the second time this semester) and cancelled my last two auditions because of illness and my impending recital. that left me with 2 schools to hear back from and also left me feeling sort of good that auditions were over. then today there was a tiny envelope waiting for me on the dining room table. i knew what it was going to be before i even got home. i knew what it was going to be from the moment i auditioned. let's be completely honest, i knew what it was going to be before i applied to grad school. i got rejected from my second choice. and now i have one lonely school left, and i can't even decide if i care whether they accept me. no, i take that back. i DO want to be accepted. i want someone to want me. i feel worthless right now when it comes to music. i use to feel like i mattered in the music world, and all i've felt lately is rejected, talentless and useless. it makes giving a senior recital one of the scariest things i could be doing in two weeks. i mean, of course i'm going to do my best to get past this as quickly as possible, and pray i don't hear from the last school until AFTER the recital. i just want to share music with others. to love what i do again, and to not care that i'm not the best. i want to be loved for my faults, and not judged for them. i WILL try to just enjoy my recital for what it is: a chance to sing beautiful music in a beautiful dress for a room full of people i love.

before the flood came, i went to an ACDA divisional convention...and we got the only standing ovation of the convention thus far. hearing a bunch of choir directors from the surrounding states standing and actually cheering (not just clapping, cheering) for you certainly makes you feel good as an ensemble. it was just what we needed 3 weeks before tour. just another realization that i'm not going to have another choral experience like the one i've had for the past 3 years...possibly ever.

sorry for the debbie downer post. tears=depressing post.